he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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