i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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