I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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