There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
