My first STD was from a foam party
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
