I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
