you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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