If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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