she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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