So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
