I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Small penises have feelings too.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
