My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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