I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
