Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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