Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
