i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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