It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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