If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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