Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
