Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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