Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize