just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
