Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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