So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize