think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
