my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drake has all the answers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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