I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
