Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
