My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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