Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
