I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
