I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
