Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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