if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
