every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
