I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
