I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
