He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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