did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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