Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
