there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
