I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
