rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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