Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
