She said her name was "party"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize