Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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