you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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