Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
