So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
