i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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