I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
