Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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