my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
