But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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