i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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