two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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