she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
