This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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