i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is Oprah even human
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize